Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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