from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We have started to decorate penises.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
