it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You took a bar mat shot.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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