he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
