The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize