Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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