Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize