I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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