Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
