Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
