I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
