Since when is my name a synonym for head?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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