we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
