The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
