They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
