If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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