Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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