A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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