Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
