Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
tell me about the eggs
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
