You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
