i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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