you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
