I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
