Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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