On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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