i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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