4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
