my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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