I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
