This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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