I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize