i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
