So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
