We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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