I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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