dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
