Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
How does one acquire holy water?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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