You smell like a Billy Joel song
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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