apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
