so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize