i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
