Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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