I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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