considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
