I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
