OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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