You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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