Welp...herpes.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
