Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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