anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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