i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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