I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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