We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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