is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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