found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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