is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
