It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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