I think my vagina is haunted
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
