He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
