you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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