woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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