i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
