Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
4 words: hood of his car
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
