i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
