she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
