you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
