i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
