Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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