Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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