I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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