you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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