My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
