he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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