Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
