I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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