Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
